The Village Show


It’s at maximum turgidity

and is free from blemish spots

Jones is ever hopeful, and

he’s wearing lucky socks.


There’s been proper preparation

involving special tools

the entry form downloaded

complete with all the rules.


He started on the table

before he moved outside

his wife felt quite rejected

until her husband cried –


“I’ve really got a whopper

the best you’ve ever seen

it’s shiny on the outside, and

a lovely shade of green.


It’s at maximum turgidity

and is free from blemish spots.”

Jones is ever hopeful, and

he’s wearing lucky socks.


The morning is quite busy

down at the village hall

the entries keep on coming

sticky labels on them all.


There’s over-scented lilies

which play havoc with your nose

and brightly polished onions

all lined up in rows.


There’s bara brith and teacakes

they make the table sag,

hand knitted jumpers

large enough to lag


the water tank – it’s leaking

the toilet never flushes

the home made wine is flowing

Jean has fallen in the bushes.


There’s a poem about the village

which makes it all sound jolly

the Mayoress is reading it

when she’s clobbered with a brolly.




Outside the dogs are steaming

the Bassett’s gone to sleep

someone let the poodle out

and it’s rounding up the sheep.


The cupcakes have proved popular

especially the cream

which started white this morning but

by now it’s more lime green.


Billy wins a rosette

for Fred the largest worm

he’s kept it in his bedroom

since the middle of last term.


There’s a dispute at the rhubarb

does size really count?

The Great Dane’s getting frisky

and he’s just about to mount ...


The vicar isn’t happy

he doesn’t think its fair

the biggest leek goes, once again, to

Mr Hughes - the Mayor.


There’s trouble in the corner

the judges have turned nasty

no-one knows the definition

- when is a pie a pasty?


Should crispies be included

with buns and chocolate cakes?

Someone whispers bribery but

perhaps they’re just mistakes.


What makes a jar of chutney

better than a pickle?

How did a cactus get best-in-show

when it hasn’t got a prickle?


Well, it’s at maximum turgidity

and it’s free from blemish spots

so Jones has got a large rosette

and he thanks his lucky socks.